Such Long, Saving Times

21 Mar

There is something just to proximity, to having known a person by constant conversations, to loving his words and the realizations behind it, the cheerful voice that comes out of him, the efforts he makes to be amusing, and then, too, something to having been awhile– let’s say, a week or two, a day, an hour, the time in which you were removed, briefly free of him, even– and to coming back into places you had been before and finding him still there, unchanged, the same as he was when you last checked on him, left him.

But there is something to this, to finding that you cannot possibly fill in what he was in your absence and, whatever your way of feeding and fishing, your words still mean nothing to him. That whatever subtlety or frankness your concern take, you cannot still imagine him as having been anything at all, even just making the most of his unexpected dependence on you, his forced submission to people he knew nothing deep. Something about this is bound to overcome you.

This happened to me many times when I brought someone to places. It swayed me. It had been easy enough to go away, to sit in a beer house or in a park and hate him for an hour or for the rest of my life, but being again in his proximity, seeing the way he laughed at my jokes as he planted another cigarette in his mouth– a thing as minor as that– made hating him, even for a second, feel like a crime. Watching him as he smoked, I decided not to tell him about everything else. I decided not to go to my other appointments, to stay an hour with new friends in another beer house. I’d cancel two or three interesting meetings.

These things happened many times. And after many times, just this morning, finally, I wakened this love with a fingernail scratch.


13 Responses to “Such Long, Saving Times”

  1. paparazzi March 22, 2010 at 4:49 am #

    OMG! that’s what I said to you 😦 too bad it took years for you to finally realize.

  2. Lemon Writer March 22, 2010 at 12:23 pm #

    Let this happen to us.

    • Vary March 22, 2010 at 1:14 pm #

      MOG! Is that your face kuya OPS?.. 😀 wahahaha!!! at least hindi ka na manghihiram sa akin ng maskara!!! 😀 ahahaha!!!

  3. allensawyer23 March 22, 2010 at 4:30 pm #

    sad 😦

  4. Lemon Writer March 22, 2010 at 10:20 pm #

    wooh. pa-iba-iba ka ng theme. kanina lang, iba to. mga 4am huli kong bisita.

  5. J. Kulisap March 23, 2010 at 6:41 am #

    Hindi naman kailangang tinatanong yan, minsan di mo lamang maipaliwanag ang dahilan ng iyong pagtatanong, tanging mga kilos at gawi lamang ng mga pusong umaasam ang nakakaunawa.

    Siguro, marahil Mo Twister

    • Sak March 23, 2010 at 6:56 am #

      i missed your words 😦

      • J. Kulisap March 23, 2010 at 7:11 am #

        Sori na, kapag hindi napapadpad sa bahay, hindi ko rin napakikialaman.

        Bakit tamad ka ng magblog?

        Labyu bebe.

        oh, huwag magpatol… 52 na ako, mabaho na. Nanghaharot lang

        • Sak March 23, 2010 at 7:36 am #

          hahahaha. 52? okay lang. 25 pa naman ako. match parin. hahaha.

          wag maharot.. hindi ako sanay. *bergin?* hahaha

          tinamad na akong mgblog kasi busy sa skul. lapit na kasi ang graduation. tsaka, night shift na ako sa work 😦

          • J. Kulisap March 23, 2010 at 7:42 am #

            Ganun ba.

            Nag-aaral at nagtatrabaho, masipag.

            Ganyan din ako dati nong kabataan ko.

            Working student.

            Labyu more.

  6. Sak March 23, 2010 at 7:58 am #


    • J. Kulisap March 23, 2010 at 8:19 am #

      Dahil nilagay mo ako at Honey bee pa talaga, na kinilig ang aking mga pakpak.

      Ito ang sampung kiss, sa noo, sa tenga, sa leeg, sa kilikili, sa buho, sa noo, sa leeg..ilan kilikili.. at sa pisngi..

      Tama na ‘yan.

      hahaha. Take care 🙂

  7. neo March 29, 2010 at 7:47 am #

    why does this make me sad

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